24. Hindu Marriage
Establishment of Family Values through
the Institution of Marriage
Suka Maharishi is described thus in
Srimad bhaagavatam:
“A mahayogi who has realized the
equanimous Brahman, who does not see any difference between various
happenings, who constantly resides and is focused in that stage, who
is awakened from the reverie of Maya, and who is apparently dull witted.''
Once, vyasa Bhagavan was following his son Suka across a river, where
women were bathing. Suka was not wearing anything. The bathing women
were indifferent to him. However, as Vyasa passed them, they covered
themselves with clothes. When the surprised Vyasa asked the women the
reason for this, they said, “You still have the discrimination
between she and he, her and him whereas in Sukacharya's unsullied perception
there is no such distinction!”
After his formal education in the Vedas and other scriptures, Suka was
asked by is father to follow the natural path of gruhastasrama. As we
have seen earlier, Suka was already a realized sage for whom the pleasures
of the senses had totally no relevance. He debated the futility of gruhasthasrama
with his learned father.
Suka: Sir, why do you insist on the avidya of marriage, when you know
that I am fully immersed in the higher self? Don't you agree that seeking
happiness is also seeking sorrow? I am now in a state of absolute bliss
focused as I am on the infinite. Where is the need for me to descend
to a level when I would be deprived of that, and instead will have a
mix of pain and pleasure? Marriage will make me a slave. Even a prisoner
in chain has hopes of freedom, but there is no escape for a married
person. The wise men, therefore, keep away from all sense pleasure as
if they are the excrement of the body. For the learned souls there is
no higher happiness than constantly dwelling in the aatman in a liberated
state of mind. Please advise me, wise sage, why I should give up Satyam,
Sivam and Sundaram. Why do you want to push me into the orbit of samsaara
where I will be compelled to move round and round like the hapless planets?
What valid reason is there to stoop to the level of pigs and dogs? After
repeated lower births we attain the birth of human beings with the ability
for higher learning. Why do you want me to dig low again? Now I am beyond
the binding energies of triguNa. Why the bondage again?
Vyasa: I do not doubt, for a moment, your immense learning. My dear
son, a house is not a prison. Detachment from the phenomenal world is
a mental state. Even a married person can be free from attachment, and
yet perform the role of householder. By earning in the right way, discharging
duties with devotion, being truthful in thought, word and deed, it is
possible to lead a flawless life of a liberated soul even in gruhastasrama.
You must marry in order to support brahmachaaris, yatis (saints), and
those in vaanaprasthasrama. They depend on you so that they can discharge
the duties appropriate to their aasrama. You also need to pay your debts
to the other entities such as the birds and animals, forefathers and
gods. Penance comes after fulfilling your duties to them.
You may not know how powerful the drives of senses are. You might think
that you have them under complete control. Even Rushi Visvamitra could
not resist Menaka, in spite of his penance for three thousand years
without a morsel of food. Paraasara, the very avataara of mahaavishnu
fell to satyavati. You have to marry and go through the motions if you
want to avoid waywardness.
Suka: Respectful sage, please tell me how I can find happiness in the
indrajala of money, the poisonous bondage to the body? A desire-less
person is happier than Indra himself, even though he may be a mere beggar.
How often Indra was jealous of a mendicant seer doing penance and provoked
the demons to disturb such penance! Hasn't he even sought Lord Siva
to destroy the penance of a yogi? The materially wealthy spend sleepless
nights. Why do you push me in to the vicious and miserable cycle of
birth, suffering, old age and death?
Oh! To serve others for a living! Isn't flattery an important component
of serving? Ugh! Sycophancy, after all my learning and wisdom! Even
death is better.
Take food for instance. Now, I do not have to worry about what I eat
and when. Can I afford that indifference as a gruhastha? I am least
interested in action. Teach me, worthy aachaarya, how to destroy karma
and accumulation of asset and liability of action, and how to dissolve
the cause of birth.
Hearing his son's fervent and logical appeal, Vyasa was overcome by
grief.
Suka noticed his father's sadness and thought to himself, “My
father is no ordinary mortal. He is a matchless scholar. But he is also
in a delusion and is unhappy because of maaya. My only refuge is the
Divine Mother. Even Gods Indra and Trimurtis are controlled by Her energy
which is infinite. We are told that Vyaasa is an amsa (integral part)
of Vishnu, but he is now like a wrecked ship, deluded and in tears.
The five elements are the cause of his grief, and I am responsible for
his sorrow.”
Suka prayed to the Divine Mother, and talked consolingly to his father,
“Sire, you are verily my God. You have a great capacity for flawless
reasoning, and discourse. I do not have to tell you that your sorrow
is borne out of delusion. But dear father, can hunger be satisfied by
looking at the sun? Food, water and all the related business can stop
but not satisfy the sun. To control the sense related activity, they
must be entertained, but not the sun! Is not all sense pleasures related
to and be satisfied with materialism? Alas, only a miser can make and
save money. What a misfit I am, in that sphere! I know that I am a brahmin,
and that to be born so and be formed as a Rishi is a boon. But I feel
that I am not fully liberated. Teach me how not to enter a mother's
womb again.” Vyasa felt happy and admired the wisdom and true
humility of his son.
He looked at Suka fondly, and said, “Recite the Bhagavad-Gita.
By constant recitation you acquire Jnaana and Vijnaana.”
Suka then went to Vatapatrasaayi (Resting on the banyan leaf) Vishnu,
and asked “Divine Mother, why am I unhappy?” He heard Her
reply, “I am in all. There is nothing new other than the ancient.'
He also had Her darSan. Contemplating on her response and seeing Her
in the purest form of Vishnu, he queried, “How is this tree created?
How did I come into being?” There was silence for some time. She
then talked, “Why do you doubt my energy? You are confused. I
know that I am the eternal energy. At the end of mahaapralaya, my unmanifested
energy will manifest as Myself. Then everything - Brahma, Vishnu and
even you - will be created, then the basic energy for the visible universe
will emerge, and all that is moving and not moving will be created.
So, self-knowledge is the source of liberation. But you need my grace
and will for that. Touch your intuitive powers, and you will find secret
of creation which is passed on in a chain reaction, and passed on. Recite
the chapters of Devi Bhagavatam relating to eternal energy. It will
provide you relief from bondage which will help you banish darkness.”
Reciting Devi Bhagavatam, however, did not bring the desired peace for
Suka. He still felt disturbed; he became more aloof and depressed.
Seeing this, Vyaasa talked to his wise son. “Why are you like
an indebted person? Am I not with you to provide anything that you need?
If all the theories do not bring you the inner calmness, go to Janaka
who is a brahmajnaani, a true saint and incarnation of unsullied knowledge.
Seek from him the essence of liberation, and eternal joy.” If
formal learning does not help, residency with seers who can teach applied
knowledge will certainly be of use. Janaka maharaja is an embodiment
of perfect living. When Suka heard of the sterling qualities of Janaka,
he just could not believe that it was possible to lead such a life,
like lotus in slime, and like water on the lotus leaf. He decided to
meet the king in person, after assuring his father that he would return
and pursue the study of the Vedas.
It took two to three years to reach Mithila, the capital of Janaka's
kingdom. On the way he met wise sages, yogis, relinquished people leading
vaanaprasthaasrama and others doing penance. He crossed the Meru mountain,
and at last reached the gates of Mithila where he was stopped by the
guards. However, the shining face of the young sage, his excellent posture
and nonchalant looks did not earn him an entry. The guards stopped him
politely, and asked for the reason of his visit. His ego punctured,
Suka felt deeply depressed. He said to himself, “Why did I spend
all my energy in this futile travel? This city looks dead; it is without
body or soul.” Soon he overcame his anger and explained at length
the purpose of his visit, after duly introducing himself as the son
of Vyaasa. The guards tested his wisdom by asking him to distinguish
between happiness and sorrow.
Now Suka was in his elements. He said, “Lust, desire and avarice
result in sorrow. Contemplation on the Atman and devotion to God is
happiness. Ekaanta - not that of a recluse as one generally misunderstands
the term, but pursuit of sense pleasures leads to misery. Vedanta and
aatma-chintana give lasting happiness”. The guards were satisfied
of the genuine wisdom of the young sage, and took him to a pleasant
abode, passing through many security gates. The beautiful young women
who served the sage did not cause a flutter in his heart. He was least
agitated by their luscious presence even after the sun set when the
cool fragrant wind pervaded the place.
The next morning, the Emperor arrived with his regalia, paid respects
to Suka, inquired the health of his illustrious father, offered presents
of cows and sweetmeat as befitting an eminent guest, and sought his
permission for a conversation.
Janaka: I am but a ruler of a kingdom with all the attendant responsibilities,
but you are a detached, contended, peaceful person wanting nothing.
I am honored by your visit. Pray, of what assistance can I be?
Suka was instantly struck by the true humility of the great king and
paid due homage.
Suka: Your Excellency, the matter seems simple. My respectful father
is eager that I should marry and lead the life of a gruhastha, but my
mind does not accept his wish. He said your Excellency is the most liberated
soul, and that you are the most detached person, burdened as you are
with the onerous duties of a king. So he sent me to you for being convinced
of the need for gruhasthaasrama. I think that marriage and my temperament
are a contradiction like the presence of a flower in the sky. I am interested
in total liberation, and nothing else. I do not want to disobey my worthy
father. Venerable king, please tell me why should I marry? Please also
clear my other doubts. Are penance, pilgrimage, yaaga and Vedic learning
true liberation or is there a higher Jnaana?
Janaka: Let me tell you what little I know. After upanayanam every young
person should learn the Vedas through an aachaarya (worthy teacher),
and then the Vedanta. On completion of formal learning, he should pay
appropriate guru dakshina (Payment to Guru as gratitude) before taking
leave of the teacher. It is expected that he should then marry and enter
the next phase, that of gruhasthaasrama. The apt dharma for a householder
includes righteousness, contentment, eschewing desires, a pure heart
and a truthful mind, and agnihotram (performance of homa and maintenance
of the three perennial domestic fires). In due course of time, he has
progeny and the responsibilities attached thereto.
After discharging the functions of a father, he enters the Vaanaprasthaasrama.
He then strives to conquer the inner force. As he approaches success
in this noble effort, he hands over the care of his wife to his children,
having invoked the inner heat from his soul and realizing the dharma
of renunciation. He then dons the robe of a sanyasin and follows the
path of final liberation through self purification and total detachment.
My son, sense gratification has no place in one's attempt to control
the inner force which is the real wealth for the seeker of liberation.
But all the prescribed steps are necessary without which one might falter”.
Suka politely interjected.
Suka: If the heart is pure, doubtless and detached, as to why one cannot
skip the steps?
(The question amounts to - can one do doctoral research skipping the
undergraduate and graduate studies?)
Janaka spoke with immense patience.
Janaka: Dear young scholar, you are not fully aware of the power of
the senses. Unless the mind matures (like the lemon fruit becoming pickle!)
attractions will grip you and will try to bind you. The sensory motors
will hold you. The eyes beholding beauty, the ears honing to sweet music,
the nostrils flaring for fragrance, the palate of the gourmet eager
for the best wind and food, and the whole physical body yearning for
the pleasures of the couch will want to subdue the phenomenal self.
Even a yati could be helpless under the onslaught of the senses!
The steps or phases of the first three aasramas help one to decelerate
the runaway senses, to rein those horses of pleasures, to regulate them
by floodgates as it were. You see, the person perched on a tree is always
afraid of falling if he were to go to sleep, but there is no such fear
for him who sleeps on the floor. Those who fly are in the danger (like
the birds) of falling, but those who are closer to earth hurt themselves
less even if they fall. Walking is safer than flying!
Even in the first three stations, one must learn to practice nishkaamakarma
(action sans attachment), practice it well over a long period while
performing action, so that, in course of time, it gradually becomes
second nature. A true jiivan-mukta is not bound by karma. The first
three stages are the preparatory ground for realizing the self effulgent
atman. They help one to be a mere witness for phenomenal existence.
A doubting person can never realize that divine spark within.
You know, self or atman needs no liberation, because it has never been
bound in the first instance! If the mind is clear, then the delusion
vanishes. I do not have to tell you, learned Brahman, that body and
the mind are entities separate from the atman. Intellect is the cause
for any such confusion. Seek enlightenment by learning to free your
mind from the aatman. It is the business of the senses to divert the
intellect away from aatman; and that is Maya. But remember, that for
all their mischief, they cannot taint the soul or aatman. However, following
the paths of the first three stations of life - brahmacharya, gruhasthaasrama
and that of vaanaprastha - one can step on to the fourth with the confidence
of the winner. They are prescribed in the scriptures which are never
wrong, since they are the touchstone of wisdom and experience of the
wisest. The path of the Vedas is always auspicious.
Suka: The Vedas recognize himsa (violence) and other vices. A person
enjoying the sense pleasures is bound to have sorrow as a complement.
How is it possible to live in a free state of consciousness while being
married?
Janaka: There is smoke only when wood is burnt. After wood is totally
burnt, there is no smoke! Desires are to be completely burnt to do away
with smoke or attachment. (baaba: fry even the seed). Absence of ego
binds not even where there is action. Act without thinking of or expecting
fruits of action. Neither the action nor the results belong to you.
Everything is His.
Suka: It is still not clear to me how one can be detached in the midst
of the world of magic. How can moha and mukti be together? Unless the
light is switched on darkness cannot vanish. Knowledge of the scriptures
is like the light switch. Then the soul attains the love all and serves
all status, whereas the married person is circumscribed by his own family
limiting his attention. You are falsely promising the thief respect
of a saint. Mine and yours can be gotten rid of by the gruhastha? How
did you become bodiless, keeping at bay the inauspicious even while
being engaged in activities that rightly belong to the first three aasramas?
Time cannot bind transcendental state. It can be experienced only by
a yogi. Where is the time for you steeped as you are in a multitude
of activities? You have an army to take care, a war to wage, a law to
enact, a judgment to deliver, a visitor to host and a thousand things
to do. How can there be a state of equanimity? It is like a serpent
trying to wear a flower garland on its non-existent neck! For the people
in the state of awareness, wood and gold are alike. They see the self
(aatman) in all creations and serve them naturally as the liberated
souls should. Oh! All this is hypothetical and far away from my main
question. Convince me that marriage is good for me. As a sanyaasin,
I would be aloof; having left the society behind, I would have overcome
attachment. My mind would be in constant peace, living the physical
existence of an animal, so to say, eating fruits, roots and leaves in
the forest, neither seeking nor accepting anything from anybody. I wish
to lead this kind of life, away from all sense needs. In this scheme
of things and quality existence where is the place for a wife? In the
created world of phenomena we recognize forms and their attributes.
Creating is nothing but a mishmash of desires and consequent adherence.
You claim to be a detached person. You are nothing but an unbelievable
contradiction. (Suka's reasoning was not impeccable as it seems. His
intellectualization is only an exercise in rationalization from conclusion
to the premises, and thus a fundamental flaw in logic. He is overwhelmed
by his own certainty, and even starts mocking at the great emperor,
clearly exhibiting signs of arrogance and immaturity). He continued,
Oh, mighty emperor, you always think of your treasury and taxes, battles
won and to be won - men and women to be honored and punished - all that
is your duty, is it not? - And anxious. Controlled senses and samsaara!
Ugh, what a contradiction. Moderation and ceaseless activity; again,
what an inconsistency! So, Videha is only a surname for you. It is an
unreal and even hypocritical world that you have created for yourself,
where the fool is considered as a scholar, where the blind is known
as Surya and the poor considered as Mahalakshmi! You are a Videha only
because of your lineage and by merit or performance. Talking about lineage,
was not nimi your forefather who fought and exchanged curses with Vasishta
while preparing for a Yaga for Indra? Your life is a strange drama of
falsehood.
Suka was exhausted after the outpouring. Janaka listened to the vituperation
patiently, and replied calmly.
Janaka: Well spoken, revered young saint. You spoke much wisdom. Vyaasa,
your father was my aachaarya. Son of that great preceptor, you are of
keener intellect. Oh, you mentioned about the forest and living with
the animals. But, pray, are not the five elements in forest too? How
can you, then, be dispassionate? You would need food, won't you? You
may even need a stick for shooing animals and hide to protect against
weather. Nowhere can you totally get rid of anxiety. My own worry is
comparable to that. Doubt is worrying too, my son. See how far you have
traveled to clear a nagging doubt! Your obsession ‘not to marry’
worries you. How can you attain detachment? I am fully conscious of
my own anxiety in the realm of action. But I eat and sleep well, because
I am not bound by that anxiety; I am serene. You are sad because you
imagine things. Remove your doubts. Have a balance of mind that will
lead you to a state of bliss. This is not my body, nor is this my house.
Banish such thoughts. Absence of thinking that I am this body etc. is
a state of nirvikalpa (unwavering and immutable; recognizing no distinction
between object and subject and without distinct consciousness of the
knower, known and the very act of knowing, and ultimately without even
self-consciousness). Possessions do not bind me. You may own just a
grain of sand and feel the weight of a mountain, or you may possess
the whole world and feel it like a feather. As an intelligent person
you have the freedom to choose the right attitude. Enjoy that freedom
and use it well, my child! You have my blessings.
Suka was ashamed of his harsh words, and felt humble in the presence
of Janaka, a peerless sage who taught true renunciation.
He returned to his father who knew that he would - wiser, mellowed and
mature. He married Pivari who bore four children, Krishna, Gauraprabhaa,
Bhuridevasrutha and Keerthi.
We thus conclude an interesting episode. The wisdom that Janaka shared
with Suka should clear our doubts too. There is an appropriate time
for any action. We have to follow the traditional wisdom, because there
is no question or doubt that has not been asked and not clarified in
our scriptures. Celibacy, even in thought, is somewhat an unnatural
quality. Renunciation comes more easily after going through the natural
process. However, marriage is not a casual arrangement. All of us know
that ‘love’ between two young persons is often infatuation
or a play of urge. A stable marriage calls for much giving, and the
traditional system of arranged marriages is valid even these days when
women are economically independent. Often, an ‘angel’ during
courtship turns out to be a ‘devil’ soon after marriage,
because assessing compatibility is a complex job. The probability of
a stable and happy married life is much higher in an arranged wedding,
if all the rules are followed. Moreover, the demands of gruhasthasrama
are not restricted just to the man, his wife and children, but also
to their extended family. The so called freedom of choice when young
people attempt to seek a partner is more a myth than reality, as indicated
by hard statistics! There is no shame in following the traditions of
proven merit and there need not be a defiant pride in breaking them.